i'm back from Harry Potter, disappointed.
i think i enjoyed myself the most when i met the Z-monster in the cinema.

so its 4am now, and i am wide awake.

dragonboat later will be tough.
not only the sport, but i know i'll be feeling one-kind.

lets fight the emo-monster, its not going to control me again.

and in any case, i think i am far from recovery.

Mark 15:3 - 5

And the chief priests accused Him of many things, but He answered nothing. Then Pilate asked Him again, saying, “Do You answer nothing? See how many things they testify against You!” But Jesus still answered nothing, so that Pilate marveled.

there are times when i wonder, why did Jesus answer nothing?
why didn't He defend Himself?
with all His wisdom, i'm sure He can find a counter to everything the priests tried to accuse Him of.

yet, He took it on His own.
He didn't need to prove to anyone, anything.
God knows, and thats enough.

i cannot stop people from talking,
either they are sowing, or i'm reaping from what i've sowed.
i just have to (or pretend to) not care about what is said.

Jesus answered nothing and took all the blame. He did it out of love.
love for those high priests who accused, persecuted and crucified Him.
when Jesus went to the Cross, was it His fault?
No, but He did it out of love for all of us.

i am not Jesus, but i will try my best to be like Him.
i know i may fail, i'm imperfect as a man, but i'm willing to try.

sure it is difficult, i am not someone who will keep everything to myself.
it has been a torture emotionally.
sure i have lots to say, a case to prove, yet i shall try to be like Jesus,
i shall hold my peace.

for too long i've waited for someone, its time i do it myself, with God of course.

John 5:5-8

Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”

The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”

Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”

i've always said God cannot work without desire.

i'm desperate already.
God, save me.

yeahs,
i passed my BTT, got my PDL, finally i can drive a car (with an instructor of course).
:):):)

well, pay day was 4 days ago, and i spent all of my pay already.
for the rest of the month, thank God for parents.

i just thought some retail therapy would help, and i deserve to spend money on myself now.



fell? get back up again.
if only life is so easy.

its been a week since i've blogged.

hell lot happened.

if you know, you know.
if you don't, you don't.

the don't ask, don't tell policy.

actually nobody knows the true story. this was one of those times when i kept everything to myself. i am just not in the right emotional state to talk about it, i would probably end up bitching, back-stabbing, putting down people.

well, tongues wag and people talk. let them talk, but please don't speculate or be prepared to get snapped off by me.
i don't really know what is going around, although i get really defensive when names are mentioned.

being a man, and a friend, i would protect those i care very much, still.

i am not going to let the emo-monster inside of me attack anyone.

sure, i told God a whole lot, things He would have already known anyway.

other than that it was complete isolation - blog fast for 1 week, shut off my phone for 3 days, didn't bring up the topic to anyone.
it was hell.
emotionally broken, i cried all night, vomitted all over the room, fought off bad thoughts, almost gave in. can't sleep, can't eat.

until then i decided, i would stop at nothing to deal with this problem.

it is not easy, i have always known.
i never really wanted it to end up like this.
but i have to deal with the root of the problem once and for all.

this is a period of transition, a period of moulding,
and it is so tough.
i feel so unstable and vulnerable.
not to mention i still cry every night, over the same thing.

through the valley, some people make it out stronger.
there are also people who never recover.
i don't have the "sure-lose" mentality, my mentality is more of a "try hard, or die" attitude.

and people are not making things very simple for me.
i guess i just have to go through all this stick.

i feel like this boy.

the past 8 months have been great, its time to move on.

i'd trade a roller-coaster for a monorail now.

change only occurs when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of change.

i'm at that point.

what one speaker said during a meeting really struck me.
he said, anyone can clap, anyone can laugh,
but not everyone can give.

its not who celebrates with you that matter,
anyone can do that.

its when there is sacrifice, offering, choice involved,
buying a gift, fore-going another outing for you, staying with you through the night because you needed company etc.
that is really the true test.

love is giving at the expense of self.

at the end of the day i realised i ended where i started,
with nothing.

acquaintances aplenty, friends afew.

yes for change.

the parental part of me takes over sometimes.

having someone to specially care for and shower love upon is pretty much more of an emotional need.
just like a father caring for his son / daughter.
life feels so empty otherwise.

i need to get a life.
i have too much free time, and time passes by so slowly.

in one of my silliest analogies ever,
i've liken my life to be a bus ride.

i must be on a bus when i thought this way.

life is a journey, yes we know.
but how you pass on by, nobody knows.

currently i feel that my life is like a ride on a bus which is going on a loop.
(i.e those buses which only have 1 interchange and makes a U-turn at some point)

sure, i've seen alot.
the scenery's been great,
the ride has been bumpy at times,
but i've been enjoying it, most parts of it.

then again, i am going nowhere.
i realise at the end of the day, i'll go back to where i first started, nothing gained, nothing achieved.

this bus ride is not going to take me anywhere.

soon, this bus ride will make me car-sick,
this bus ride will tire me out.

it will come to a point in time when i have to pluck up the courage,
press the "Stop" button,
said 'i've had enough',
and alight at a bus stop somewhere,
waiting for another bus.

i don't know where the next bus will take me,
i don't know if there are enough credits in my ez-link card for me to board it,
i don't even know if there will be another bus coming.

but i know i cannot board another bus if i'm already on one.

is it escapism?
or is it an act of complete trust and dependency on God?

perhaps the next bus is the right one,
perhaps the next bus will bring me to where i want to go,
perhaps the next bus will lead me astray,
perhaps the next bus will be so uncomfortable,

perhaps perhaps perhaps.

for now, before i decide to alight, and where to,
i should seek advice from the Bus Captain,
i should study the Route Map,
i should talk to my fellow passengers.

i should stop speaking in parables.

its something i have never done before,
but like someone said, "if you want something you never had, you got to give something you've never given."

i'm on medical leave today.

not been feeling the best,
probably my sleeping and eating patterns are to be blamed.

i woke up and felt a little uneasy,
and then i realised school reopened and i have to squeeze with all the school going kids on the bus,
then i got sicker.

i need my own vehicle.

and then i will complain about the traffic and road rage, yada yada.

that is life, isn't it?

we always think that the grass is greener on the other side,
we are giving to an altar which will never be satisfied.

i got to stay home today,
more time to pray, more time to think, more time to decide.

Jian Hao A.
One Last Time For You


101109
ORD LOH!





" Don't cry because it ended.
Smile because it happened. "

- Anonymous





















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